How Understanding this One Emotion Helped Me Become a Better Leader
“I didn’t realize that by not acting I was not only letting my fear and shame own me, but I was slowly eroding trust.”
***Originally Published May 27th, 2023
I started coaching boxing classes at a Title franchise gym in Columbus, OH, November 2022.
When I first started I was very nervous.
I had to strap on a microphone and motivate a class of around 10-15 people to work their ass off for 45 minutes–something I could barely do for myself.
I hadn’t coached boxing (or anything, really) in over two years
The scariest part was I had to talk to my boxers before and after class.
Before almost every class I had to chug coffee and battle the nervous anxiety in my chest in order to get my ass out of my house and in front of class.
Once class started I could usually just settle into my coach persona and kind of disassociate myself: I became an actor performing a role.
But before, standing in a silent room as people milled in, I was quite awkward.
Some members that I’d seen before I’d maybe say hi to and start to learn a few names.
Others I’d smile awkwardly at and look away. And a few I wouldn’t even notice had come in until I started class.
I was scared and ashamed: afraid to approach, engage, and open myself up in conversation.
I didn’t realize that by not acting I was not only letting my fear and shame own me, but I was slowly eroding trust.
I want to take this blog post to discuss Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown, and how her research on Shame and Vulnerability helped me grow as a community leader and a coach.
“by being aware of the problem it illuminates the path forward.”
In Daring Greatly, Brene presents years of her research on the sources and solutions for dealing with Shame.
Shame is defined as the fear of disconnection.
When she talks about Shame she describes feelings or pain associated with being flawed.
Excessive shame can lead us to see ourselves as unworthy of love or belonging.
It appears in our experience as self-talk. Referring to the self as the root of the problems that occur in our daily lives.
“I am not enough”
“I hate myself
“why am I thinking this way”
“why do I feel like this”
It’s one of the deepest causes of suffering because it leads to disconnection.
As humans, we have to connect with others. If you don’t believe me try solitary confinement out. It’s torture.
But by Daring Greatly: acting with courage and vulnerability, we can work through our shame; deepening our relationships and increasing feelings of worthiness and love.
This was profound for me as It changed my perspective on a lot of the suffering I felt.
Social anxiety, anger, perfectionism, loneliness, sadness, and smallness went from instances of unavoidable pain to a fear of disconnection.
I’m not going to go into all of the different ways shame can appear here. I don’t have space and I won’t do it justice. I really recommend reading Brene’s work if you’re interested at all.
But the point is that by being aware of the problem it illuminates the path forward.
All I had to do is the thing I’m afraid of: connect.
In her chapter on relationships Brene cites Josh Gottman, a leading research expert on marriage and relationships. Here’s a small excerpt from an article he wrote on building trust:
“Trust isn’t just important for couples. It’s also vital to neighborhoods and states and countries. Trust is central to what makes human communities work…But how do you build trust? What I’ve found through research is that trust is built in very small moments, which I call “sliding door” moments, after the movie Sliding Doors. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.”
What I love about how Josh discusses trust is how he frames it in moments. He’s not just giving a thoughtful platitude but practical advice.
If one is aware and watchful for “sliding door” moments, and prepared and committed to making the decision to be present and vulnerable every time, one’s relationships will inevitably deepen.
“Then, as if in response, I was sent a challenge.”
The way these sliding door moments most obviously appeared for me was in those moments before class when I failed to open up and chose to be nervous and solitary.
So, in order to force myself to engage, to turn towards my boxers, I began a new practice of giving “knucks” to everybody who came in for class.
Some I would just say hi, fist bump, and move on. Others I’d have a short conversation with. It all depended on their response/willingness to talk.
Once I started attempting this practice I realized how clearly I had been turning away from people every day.
Then, as if in response, I was sent a challenge.
My second class attempting knucks fell on a holiday, and I had over twice as many people in as I had ever seen.
I still made sure to greet all 30 people who were there: saying hi, welcoming them in, offering help and space to talk or ask questions.
I could see immediately not only how much some people appreciated it, but how much weight it lifted off my chest.
Implementing this practice has had wonderful consequences:
I’ve felt less nervous and more confident during class
I formed relationships with regulars as I learned more about them, and they me
People were more engaged during class: its as if they trusted my instruction more
I began to see my students more, rather than being lost in my own role
I had more fun!
I was still nervous—even and especially—when greeting people.
But it was wonderful to see people be so receptive and friendly. And people pretty much always are. Sometimes all it takes is holding open a little space.
“If you ever find yourself at the head of a group: be courageous! Be vulnerable!”
Being vulnerable can sometimes mean opening up to your partner about deep insecurities. It can also mean turning towards them when you don’t want to and just listening.
It can also mean saying hi to a stranger and being willing to hold their gaze for a moment.
But in both instances it takes courage.
And in both instances it helps us connect and cultivate a feeling that we are enough.
I was never forced to talk to anyone in my classes. My manager encouraged it, sure, but I wasn’t going to be fired for being shy.
I did it because I began to see my fear as shame and I wanted to deal with it. I wanted to use my situation as an opportunity for growth.
I think that if everybody in any sort of leadership position: manager, teacher, coach, pastor, business owner, dungeon master, etc. started to see their role as an opportunity for community growth and engagement it would do wondrous things for all humans involved.
So if you ever find yourself at the head of a group: be courageous! Be vulnerable!
Challenge yourself and others to be open and grow.
Start watching for those “sliding door moments.”
You will see wonderful results.
Thank you for your time and attention :)
-Andy
